My previous post about navigating loss as an awkward engineer was too cold. Below is another attempt at how to be there.

It’s never easy when someone we know passes away. And sometimes, especially for us engineers, it can be tough to know how to act. We’re great at solving technical problems, but navigating grief doesn’t come with documentation or a stack trace. Here are some thoughts on how to be a good friend or colleague during these difficult times.

Just Be Present

Honestly, just showing up is half the battle. Your presence means a lot. Listen, offer a hug, or just sit quietly with them. Those gestures are powerful.

I remember when my coworker lost his dad. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing, but he later told me that just seeing me at the service meant more than anything I could have said. Think of it like being on-call support - sometimes you don’t need to actively fix anything, you just need to be available.

Say Something Real

Don’t worry about having the perfect words. “I’m so sorry” or “I’m thinking of you” are great. If you have a good memory of the person, share it. People love hearing those stories.

One approach that works well: “I remember when Jamie helped me debug that impossible production issue. He stayed late just to teach me how to trace through the logs properly. That patience and kindness really stuck with me.”

Authentic memories, even small ones, mean so much more than generic statements.

Help Out

Think about what they might need. Food? Help with errands? Just ask, “What can I do to make things a little easier?”

Engineers are problem-solvers by nature. Channel that energy into practical support. Maybe offer to:

• Set up a meal train
• Handle some of their work tickets
• Drive them to appointments
• Help with paperwork or phone calls

Sometimes people won’t ask for help, so making specific offers works better than open-ended questions.

Keep Checking In

Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Call, text, or drop by in the weeks and months after. They’ll appreciate you remembering.

Most support happens immediately after a death, but then people return to their normal routines. Set calendar reminders for 2 weeks, 1 month, and 3 months after to check in. These later touchpoints often mean the most because they come when the person is feeling most alone.

Things to Skip

Skip the clichés. “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll get over it” or “Everything happens for a reason”—those don’t help. Just listen, be there, and be real.

Also avoid comparing grief experiences or trying to find silver linings. Grief isn’t a bug to be fixed—it’s a necessary process.

It’s Okay to Feel Awkward

It’s normal to feel a little awkward. Just be yourself, be kind, and be sincere. That’s what matters.

I used to worry about saying the exact right thing until a friend who’d lost her mother told me, “I don’t remember what anyone said at the funeral. I just remember who showed up.”

About Funerals Specifically

A few practical tips for the service itself:

• Dress respectfully. Dark, conservative clothing is usually appropriate, but some families request more celebratory attire. When in doubt, ask.
• Arrive a bit early and sign the guestbook if there is one.
• Put your phone on silent (not just vibrate) and keep it away.
• Follow the lead of others regarding standing, sitting, or participating in any rituals.
• If there’s a reception afterward, try to attend even briefly.

A Final Thought

Supporting someone through grief is less about having the right toolkit and more about showing up with an open heart. We engineers like to fix things, but grief isn’t something to be fixed—it’s something to be witnessed and shared.

Sometimes the most valuable contribution is simply being there, even when it feels uncomfortable or when you don’t know what to say. Your presence is the most meaningful pull request you can offer.

A friend and mentor died today, which got me thinking about death. Their funeral is set for a a couple weeks, so I have some time to prepare. This post formalizes my thoughts about how to have some social grace throughout this trying time.

Death is perhaps the most challenging edge case in our social interaction framework. As engineers accustomed to debugging technical problems, we often find ourselves with insufficient documentation when confronting human mortality. This post provides a structured approach to handle these exceptional circumstances.

System Architecture: Understanding the Funeral Environment

Event Classification

• Traditional Religious Service: Follows well-established protocols with specific rituals
• Memorial Service: Less formal, often celebrating the person’s life
• Direct Burial/Cremation: Minimal ceremony, sometimes followed by a separate gathering

Appropriate Configuration (Dress Code)

• Default Configuration: Dark, conservative clothing (black, navy, or gray)
• Parameter Adjustments:
  • Religious services may require specific items (head coverings, etc.)
  • Some services explicitly request “celebration of life” attire
  • When in doubt, implement conservative error handling (overdressing is preferable to underdressing)

Runtime Behavior: Protocol for Interactions

When expressing condolences, remember that sincerity is key. If you knew the deceased well, sharing a specific memory or quality they possessed can be very meaningful to the family. If you didn’t know them as well, offering your support and asking if there’s anything you can do to help is a thoughtful gesture. The most important thing is to speak from the heart.

Before the Service

function expressCondolences(relationship) {
    if (relationship == "immediate family") {
        return "I'm so sorry for your loss. [DeceasedName] meant a lot to me because [specific memory/quality].";
    } else {
        return "I'm very sorry about [DeceasedName]. Is there anything I can do to help?";
    }
}

During the Service

• Follow the established pattern of those around you (standing/sitting)
• Minimize system noise (silence phones, avoid side conversations)
• Memory allocation: Focus on being present rather than documenting the event (photos are usually inappropriate)

Post-Service Interactions

• With family members: Acknowledge their loss directly but briefly
• With other attendees: Sharing memories of the deceased creates valuable connection points

Exception Handling: What to Avoid

// Anti-patterns to avoid
class InappropriateResponses {
    static void compareGrief() {
        // "I know exactly how you feel" - False assumption
    }
    
    static void offerPlatitudes() {
        // "They're in a better place" - Unverifiable assertion
    }
    
    static void demandDetails() {
        // "How exactly did they die?" - Privacy violation
    }
}

Asynchronous Support: Following Up

After the funeral service completes execution, consider these follow-up procedures:

1. Implement periodic check-ins: Calendar reminders at 1 week, 1 month, and significant dates
2. Execute practical support functions: Food delivery, transportation assistance, or helping with administrative tasks
3. Monitor long-term integration: Grief doesn’t terminate after the funeral; include the person in future social events

Testing and Implementation

Remember that grief processing varies widely between individuals. Some may prefer extensive verbalization while others implement a more private approach. Your role is to provide a stable interface for whatever processing method they need.

Conclusion

Death represents a significant system failure that affects all human networks eventually. While we cannot prevent these events, we can optimize our response to reduce additional distress in the affected system. By following these guidelines, you create a supportive environment while respecting established protocols during these challenging runtime conditions.

Remember: In these exceptional circumstances, compassionate presence often executes more effectively than any specific verbal output.

Small talk often feels like a waste of time for many software engineers. Why chat about the weather when you could be solving problems? But these brief interactions are the foundation of professional relationships that can transform your career and workplace satisfaction.

Today, I’m sharing a practical exercise I call “The Five-Minute Connection” that has helped countless technically-minded professionals turn awkward break room encounters into meaningful connections.

Why Most Engineers Struggle with Small Talk

Many of us in technical fields value efficiency and depth. We’re trained to dive deep into complex problems and find elegant solutions. Small talk feels superficial by comparison—it doesn’t seem to “accomplish” anything tangible.

But here’s the shift in perspective that changed everything for me: Small talk isn’t about the content; it’s about building connection infrastructure. Those seemingly random conversations about weekend plans or lunch options are actually laying the groundwork for trust and collaboration.

The Five-Minute Connection Exercise

This exercise transforms brief interactions into meaningful touchpoints. I recommend trying this at the start an existing meeting so you do not have to schedule anything new and you can naturally transition into the other meetings.

Here’s how it works:

1. Set a timer for five minutes - This creates a natural boundary that prevents overthinking.

2. Choose a conversation partner - Ideally someone you work with but don’t know well.

3. Select one deeper question from this list:
   • “What part of our current project are you finding most interesting?”
   • “What’s something you’ve learned recently that surprised you?”
   • “What’s a tool or approach that’s made your work easier lately?”
   • “What got you interested in software development initially?”
   • “What’s something about our workplace you think could be improved?”

4. Practice active listening - Your goal isn’t to offer solutions or share your own story yet. It’s to understand their perspective.

5. Find one follow-up question based on their response that digs a bit deeper.

As the conversation naturally peters out you can move into the existing meeting topics.

Why This Works

The beauty of this approach is threefold:

First, it’s time-bounded. Five minutes feels manageable even for the most introverted among us.

Second, it moves beyond weather and sports without feeling forced. These questions tap into your colleague’s expertise and experiences—topics they’ll likely enjoy discussing.

Third, it creates a foundation for future interactions. Next time you see this person, you have a natural entry point: “Hey, did you figure out that caching issue you mentioned?”

Real-World Results

When I first tried this approach with my team lead, I asked what got her interested in development. What I thought would be a quick answer turned into a fascinating story about how she taught herself to code while working night shifts as a security guard. That five-minute conversation completely changed how I viewed her and gave us a stronger working relationship.

Start Small, Be Consistent

Try this exercise once per week. Keep a simple note on your phone with the names of people you’ve connected with and one key detail you learned. This serves as both motivation and a reference for future conversations.

Remember, the goal isn’t to become the office social butterfly overnight. It’s to gradually build meaningful professional relationships that make work more enjoyable and collaborative.

What five-minute connection will you make this week?

What challenges do you face when trying to connect with colleagues? Share in the comments, and I’ll suggest tailored approaches in my next post.

In the fast-paced world of engineering, technical prowess often takes center stage. But there’s another crucial element that can make or break your career: social skills. As projects grow more complex and teams become increasingly diverse, your ability to communicate effectively, build relationships, and navigate workplace dynamics has never been more important.

The Changing Landscape of Engineering Communication

The nature of how we collaborate has evolved dramatically in recent years:

• Remote and hybrid teams are now standard, making deliberate communication across time zones and cultural backgrounds essential
• Cross-functional collaboration requires explaining technical concepts to non-technical stakeholders
• Project management tools streamline workflows but can reduce spontaneous problem-solving opportunities
• Code reviews become relationship touchpoints that require both technical accuracy and interpersonal tact

As one senior engineering manager told me recently, “I can teach someone a new programming language, but I can’t easily teach them how to listen or how to give feedback that doesn’t crush someone’s spirit.”

Essential Social Skills for Career Advancement

Here are the key social skills that consistently separate good engineers from great ones:

Effective Communication

• Technical clarity: Practice explaining complex concepts using metaphors and visuals that resonate with different audiences
• Active listening: Focus on understanding before responding, summarize others’ points, and ask thoughtful follow-up questions
• Constructive feedback: Use the STAR method (Situation, Task, Action, Result) to provide specific, actionable insights
• Remote communication: Master both synchronous and asynchronous communication methods

Negotiation and Influence

The ability to advocate for resources, shape project decisions, and resolve conflicts can dramatically increase your impact. Understanding different perspectives and finding common ground isn’t just nice—it’s necessary for getting things done.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence

Understanding team dynamics and recognizing colleagues’ emotions builds the foundation for successful collaboration. This becomes especially important when:

• Working in cross-functional teams
• Processing user feedback
• Helping junior team members grow
• Navigating organizational changes

Networking and Relationship Building

Your professional network often determines opportunities for advancement. Make it a priority to:

• Attend industry events and meetups
• Connect meaningfully with colleagues
• Find mentors and eventually become one
• Build relationships outside your immediate team

Maintaining Human Connection in Modern Engineering

Despite technological advances, human connection remains essential:

• Balance efficiency with interaction: Use tools to handle routine tasks, but prioritize face-to-face or video meetings for important discussions and collaborative problem-solving
• Create space for spontaneity: Informal team gatherings, coffee breaks, or virtual social events foster the camaraderie that leads to innovation
• Humanize digital interactions: Use video when possible, and employ warm, inviting language in written communications

Practical Steps to Level Up Your Social Skills

Here’s how you can systematically improve:

1. Seek honest feedback: Ask colleagues and mentors specifically about your communication and interpersonal skills
2. Practice active listening: In your next meeting, focus entirely on understanding others before formulating your response
3. Develop emotional intelligence: Explore resources like “Emotional Intelligence 2.0” by Travis Bradberry or “Crucial Conversations” by Kerry Patterson
4. Invest in communication training: Look for workshops on presentation skills, technical writing, or public speaking
5. Expand your network: Set a goal to meet one new person in your field each month
6. Exercise empathy daily: When working on projects, regularly put yourself in the user’s shoes

The Ultimate Competitive Advantage

Strong social skills aren’t just “nice to have” anymore—they’re essential for career advancement. The most successful engineers I’ve worked with combine technical brilliance with the ability to communicate clearly, collaborate effectively, and build lasting professional relationships.

Remember: in engineering, we’re ultimately building solutions for people. Understanding those people—whether they’re colleagues, clients, or end users—gives you an edge that technical skills alone cannot provide.

What social skill will you focus on developing this month?

The engineering world is evolving at lightning speed, thanks to Artificial Intelligence (AI). Automation, virtual collaboration, and AI-driven decision-making are becoming the norm. But amidst this high-tech transformation, one skill set remains irreplaceable: human connection.

No, this isn’t about fearing AI—it’s about adapting and leveraging our uniquely human strengths. Social skills are the secret weapon that will set engineers apart in an AI-driven era. Let’s dive into how engineers can maintain, develop, and refine these essential skills.

How AI is Changing Communication in Engineering

AI is revolutionizing how engineers interact, making processes more efficient—but also more impersonal. Consider these shifts:

✅ Virtual Teams & Remote Work: As teams go global, it’s harder to build rapport. Engineers must be intentional about fostering trust across time zones.

✅ AI-Driven Project Management: Automated task tracking reduces meetings, but also limits spontaneous brainstorming and problem-solving.

✅ Automated Feedback & Reporting: AI-generated reports offer efficiency but lack the human touch—nuance, encouragement, and personalized growth strategies.

✅ Code Reviews & Collaboration: While AI can scan for errors, real engineers still need to provide constructive, empathetic feedback to maintain strong team dynamics.

The risk? A workplace where efficiency trumps connection—and where engineers struggle to communicate, influence, and lead.

Essential Social Skills for Engineers

To stand out in an AI-driven world, engineers must sharpen these skills:

🗣 Effective Communication

• Technical Clarity: Learn to break down complex concepts for non-technical stakeholders. Analogies and visuals help!
• Active Listening: Don’t just hear—engage. Summarize key points, ask thoughtful questions, and ensure alignment.
• Constructive Feedback: Use the STAR method (Situation, Task, Action, Result) to provide specific, actionable insights.
• Virtual Communication: Master video conferencing etiquette and concise written communication to avoid misinterpretation.

🤝 Negotiation & Influence

• Advocate for resources, navigate conflicts, and influence decisions with clarity and confidence.
• Understand different perspectives and find win-win solutions.

💡 Emotional Intelligence & Empathy

• Recognize and respond to team dynamics and emotions.
• Humanize your interactions, even in digital spaces—use video, warm language, and personal touches.
• Think like a user. Great engineers design with empathy, understanding real-world needs.

🔗 Networking & Relationship Building

• Strong connections lead to career growth. Build your network through industry events, mentorships, and authentic online interactions.
• Even in remote work, be intentional about forming professional relationships.

Keeping Human Connection Alive in an AI-First World

AI is a fantastic tool—but it can’t replace real human engagement. Here’s how to keep your social skills sharp:

✅ Balance AI Efficiency with Human Interaction: Automate routine tasks, but schedule real-time discussions for meaningful collaboration.

✅ Create Opportunities for Spontaneous Interaction: Virtual teams can still have coffee chats, brainstorming sessions, or casual Slack channels to maintain camaraderie.

✅ Address AI Skepticism Thoughtfully: Not everyone embraces AI at the same pace. Encourage open discussions and offer training to bridge the gap.

✅ Humanize Online Communication: Use video over text when possible, and inject personality into digital interactions to prevent sterile, robotic exchanges.

Actionable Steps for Engineers

Want to future-proof your career? Start with these steps:

🔹 Seek Feedback: Ask mentors and peers how you can improve your communication skills.
🔹 Practice Active Listening: Summarize and reflect on what others say to show engagement.
🔹 Develop Emotional Intelligence: Take courses or read books on empathy, self-awareness, and interpersonal skills.
🔹 Attend Communication & Public Speaking Workshops: Sharpen your ability to explain ideas and present with confidence.
🔹 Expand Your Network: Engage on LinkedIn, join engineering communities, and seek mentorship.
🔹 Lead with Empathy: Whether managing a team or collaborating with users, prioritize understanding over efficiency.
🔹 Use AI Wisely: Let it enhance—not replace—human interaction in your work.

Final Thoughts: AI as a Tool, Not a Substitute

AI is here to stay, and it’s revolutionizing engineering. But the most successful engineers won’t be the ones who rely on AI for everything. They’ll be the ones who blend technical expertise with outstanding social skills.

Your ability to communicate, connect, and collaborate will be the true differentiator in an AI-driven world. So don’t just automate—engage, influence, and lead. That’s how you’ll thrive in the future of engineering. 🚀