High school can be a formative experience, but it often teaches us some unspoken social rules that, while useful then, can hinder our social growth as adults. Whether it’s the fear of standing out or the pressure to fit into a certain mold, the survival tactics we picked up as teenagers don’t always serve us well in adulthood. In fact, unlearning some of these high school lessons might be the key to improving your social skills and building stronger, more authentic relationships. Here’s a look at some of the lessons we should consider leaving behind:

1. Unlearn the Need to Fit In at All Costs

In high school, there was often immense pressure to conform. Whether it was the clothes you wore, the music you listened to, or the interests you pursued, blending in with the crowd felt like a necessity to avoid ridicule or exclusion. As adults, trying to fit into every group or meet everyone’s expectations can leave us feeling inauthentic and exhausted.

What to do instead:

• Embrace your individuality. Being true to yourself helps you build genuine connections with people who appreciate you for who you are.
• Seek out environments and people who value your unique qualities, rather than trying to mold yourself to fit in with everyone.
• Remember that being different is often a strength, not a weakness.

2. Unlearn the Fear of Rejection

In high school, being rejected—whether socially, romantically, or even academically—felt devastating. This fear of rejection often led us to avoid taking risks or putting ourselves out there. However, as adults, avoiding rejection at all costs can prevent us from forming meaningful relationships or pursuing opportunities that could enrich our lives.

What to do instead:

• Accept that rejection is a natural part of life and not a reflection of your worth.
• Take more social risks—whether that’s introducing yourself to someone new or sharing a personal opinion. The worst outcome is often not as bad as we fear.
• Understand that not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. Focus on the connections that matter.

3. Unlearn the Value of Social Hierarchies

High school often teaches us to view social interaction through a hierarchical lens—popular kids at the top, everyone else somewhere below. This mindset can carry into adulthood, leading us to prioritize relationships with people we perceive as more successful, attractive, or influential, while undervaluing others who don’t fit these arbitrary categories.

What to do instead:

• Dismantle the idea that some people are inherently more valuable than others based on superficial qualities.
• Approach every interaction with openness and curiosity, regardless of someone’s status or outward appearance.
• Recognize that true connection comes from shared experiences and values, not social status.

4. Unlearn the Desire to Be Perceived as Perfect

In high school, there was often an unspoken pressure to appear like you had it all together—whether that meant having the right clothes, getting good grades, or being in the right social circles. This desire to be seen as perfect can follow us into adulthood, where it can manifest as perfectionism, a fear of showing vulnerability, or a reluctance to admit mistakes.

What to do instead:

• Embrace vulnerability. Being open about your struggles or imperfections creates deeper connections and builds trust.
• Stop comparing yourself to others or trying to maintain an image of perfection. People are drawn to authenticity, not flawlessness.
• Learn to laugh at yourself and share moments of imperfection—they’re often the most relatable.

5. Unlearn the Idea that Criticism Equals Failure

In high school, receiving criticism—whether from teachers, peers, or even friends—could feel like a personal attack. It was easy to internalize it as a sign of failure or inadequacy. As adults, this mindset can make us defensive or unwilling to accept feedback, which can stifle personal and social growth.

What to do instead:

• View criticism as an opportunity for growth, not as an attack on your character.
• Practice receiving feedback with grace and gratitude, even when it’s hard to hear.
• Separate your self-worth from your mistakes or areas of improvement—no one is perfect, and everyone has room to grow.

6. Unlearn the Belief that Popularity Equals Success

In high school, popularity was often seen as the ultimate marker of success. Being well-liked, invited to parties, or having a large group of friends was considered the pinnacle of social achievement. However, in adulthood, the pursuit of popularity often leads to shallow relationships and a lack of genuine connection.

What to do instead:

• Prioritize quality over quantity in your relationships. A few close, meaningful friendships are far more fulfilling than being well-known by everyone.
• Focus on building deep connections with people who genuinely care about you, rather than seeking validation from the masses.
• Redefine success in terms of the richness of your relationships, not the number of people who know your name.

7. Unlearn the Tendency to Avoid Conflict

High school often teaches us to avoid conflict at all costs to maintain peace within our social circles. This avoidance can follow us into adulthood, where we may shy away from difficult conversations or let resentment build up instead of addressing issues directly. Avoiding conflict can lead to strained relationships and unresolved tensions.

What to do instead:

• Embrace healthy conflict as a natural part of relationships. Addressing problems head-on, with kindness and respect, often strengthens relationships in the long run.
• Learn to communicate assertively, expressing your feelings and needs without aggression or passivity.
• Recognize that avoiding conflict often causes more harm than good, while constructive dialogue leads to understanding and growth.

8. Unlearn the Habit of Gossiping

In high school, gossip was often a way to bond with others or feel included in social circles. However, gossiping can be toxic, spreading negativity and undermining trust in relationships. As adults, continuing this habit can erode our integrity and damage our reputation.

What to do instead:

• Avoid engaging in gossip or speaking negatively about others behind their backs.
• Foster positive conversations that build people up rather than tearing them down.
• If someone starts gossiping, redirect the conversation to something more constructive or simply refrain from participating.

Final Thoughts

While high school taught us many important life lessons, it also instilled some habits and mindsets that may no longer serve us as adults. Unlearning the need to conform, fear rejection, or avoid conflict can open the door to more meaningful and fulfilling relationships. By letting go of the social survival tactics we picked up as teenagers, we can develop deeper connections, communicate more authentically, and truly thrive in our social lives.

In high school, many of us looked up to the so-called “cool kids”—those who seemed effortlessly popular, well-connected, and socially adept. We might have admired or envied their ability to navigate social situations with ease, not realizing that some of the skills they demonstrated can be incredibly useful long after high school ends. While high school popularity doesn’t define success in adult life, there are valuable lessons we can glean from these individuals to improve our own social skills. Here’s how:

1. Confidence is Magnetic

The cool kids exuded confidence—whether they were asking a question in class or leading a conversation at lunch. This confidence wasn’t necessarily about knowing everything but about being comfortable in their own skin. As adults, we often struggle with self-doubt or impostor syndrome, but projecting confidence in social situations makes others feel comfortable around us. We can improve this by focusing on our strengths, practicing positive self-talk, and embracing our unique quirks.

How to apply this now:

• Stand tall and maintain eye contact in conversations.
• Speak clearly, even if you don’t have all the answers.
• Trust that your presence adds value to any group or conversation.

2. They Mastered the Art of Networking

Remember how the cool kids always seemed to know everyone, from different social groups to teachers and staff? They understood the importance of building and maintaining relationships. As adults, networking is critical—not just for professional growth but for building a well-rounded social life. Whether at a work function, a neighborhood event, or a social gathering, having a broad network can open doors, provide support, and enhance our sense of belonging.

How to apply this now:

• Attend social or professional events with the goal of making at least one new connection.
• Follow up with people you meet, whether through a quick text, LinkedIn message, or email.
• Keep relationships warm by checking in periodically—not just when you need something.

3. They Were Great Listeners

Surprisingly, a lot of cool kids weren’t just talkers—they were listeners. They made people feel heard, remembered details, and connected with others on a personal level. In adulthood, one of the best ways to build meaningful relationships is by being an active listener. When we focus on what others are saying, ask follow-up questions, and show genuine interest, we forge stronger, more authentic connections.

How to apply this now:

• Practice active listening by maintaining eye contact and nodding in response.
• Avoid interrupting or planning your response while someone is still speaking.
• Remember details from past conversations and bring them up later—it shows you care.

4. Inclusivity and Being a Bridge Between Groups

Many of the cool kids were known for their ability to move between different social circles. They weren’t necessarily tied to just one group—they could hang with athletes, theater kids, or honors students with ease. Inclusivity is a key social skill we can embrace as adults. Being someone who connects different social or professional groups helps build a more diverse network and fosters a positive environment.

How to apply this now:

• Introduce friends or colleagues from different areas of your life who might share common interests.
• Organize social gatherings that include a mix of people from different backgrounds.
• Be open to new experiences and people outside your usual circle—you never know what new connections might spark.

5. Charisma and Humor Go a Long Way

Many of the cool kids had a certain charisma, often coupled with a good sense of humor. They could lighten the mood in tense situations, make people laugh, and knew how to keep conversations engaging. While charisma might seem like an innate trait, it can be cultivated by being present, using body language effectively, and keeping conversations light and fun when appropriate.

How to apply this now:

• Use humor to break the ice in new social situations, but keep it light and inclusive.
• Practice active body language—smile, lean in when talking, and use open gestures.
• Focus on how you can make others feel good in conversations, rather than trying to impress them.

6. Adaptability in Social Situations

The cool kids were adaptable. They could be spontaneous, adjust to the vibe of the group, and keep up with shifting social dynamics. This skill is incredibly useful as adults, especially in situations that are outside our comfort zone. Whether you’re at a new job, in a different city, or meeting a diverse group of people, adaptability allows you to fit in without losing your sense of self.

How to apply this now:

• Be open to new social settings, even if they’re unfamiliar.
• Read the room—understand when it’s time to be serious or when you can be more relaxed.
• Stay true to your values, but be flexible in how you interact with different personalities.

7. Being Authentic Matters Most

While the cool kids often seemed to have it all together, their authenticity is what truly drew people to them. The ones who remained kind, grounded, and true to themselves often had lasting friendships that extended beyond high school. Being authentic in our social interactions is a key to long-term happiness and meaningful relationships.

**How to apply this now:

• Don’t try to mold yourself into what you think others want you to be. Be honest about your opinions, interests, and personality.
• Embrace vulnerability—it’s okay to not have all the answers or to admit when you’re having a tough time.
• Focus on building relationships with people who appreciate you for who you are, not just what you can offer.

Final Thoughts

The social skills demonstrated by the cool kids in high school weren’t magical—they were grounded in practical, learnable behaviors that we can all adopt as adults. By focusing on confidence, inclusivity, active listening, adaptability, and authenticity, we can enhance our social lives and build deeper, more meaningful connections. Popularity may not be the goal, but mastering these skills can certainly make life a lot more enjoyable and fulfilling.

Popularity is a fascinating social phenomenon. Whether in school, the workplace, or social circles, some people just seem to have that magnetic charm that draws others to them. But what exactly makes someone popular? Is it their looks, personality, or something else entirely? While popularity can be influenced by many factors, there are some key traits and behaviors that seem to be universal when it comes to what makes people likable and socially successful.

Let’s dive into the characteristics that tend to make people popular, and why these traits resonate so strongly with others.

1. Confidence Without Arrogance

Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities in a person. Popular people tend to have a healthy level of self-assurance—they know their worth, and they’re comfortable in their own skin. However, what sets them apart is that they don’t cross the line into arrogance. Confident people make others feel at ease because they don’t feel the need to constantly prove themselves or put others down. They exude a sense of calm and control that others find reassuring and inspiring.

2. Genuine Interest in Others

One of the most powerful social tools is showing a genuine interest in other people. Popular individuals often have the ability to make others feel seen, heard, and valued. They ask thoughtful questions, listen attentively, and remember details about others’ lives. This empathy creates a sense of connection, making others want to spend more time with them. The key is that their interest is authentic—people can tell when someone is being fake or disingenuous.

3. Positive Energy and Enthusiasm

People who are consistently positive and enthusiastic tend to draw others toward them like moths to a flame. Popular individuals usually maintain an optimistic outlook, bringing energy and excitement to social situations. Their enthusiasm is contagious—whether it’s about a new project at work or a weekend outing, their upbeat attitude lifts the spirits of those around them. They don’t have to be the life of the party, but their presence adds a sense of fun and excitement to any gathering.

4. Kindness and Empathy

Being kind and empathetic is a surefire way to win people over. Popular people are often approachable and caring, making others feel comfortable around them. They show kindness not only in their words but in their actions. Whether it’s offering help when needed or simply giving someone a warm smile, these small gestures create a welcoming atmosphere. Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, makes them easy to talk to and trust.

5. Strong Communication Skills

Popular people tend to be excellent communicators. They know how to express themselves clearly and confidently, whether in a casual conversation or a group setting. They have the ability to engage people in meaningful dialogue and can balance talking and listening. They’re also skilled at adjusting their communication style based on the situation, making others feel included and understood. Good communicators don’t dominate conversations—they make sure others feel involved.

6. A Sense of Humor

Who doesn’t love someone who can make them laugh? A good sense of humor is one of the most appealing traits when it comes to social popularity. People who can crack a joke, lighten the mood, or see the humorous side of life tend to be well-liked. Laughter brings people together and helps ease tension in social settings. Popular individuals don’t have to be comedians, but they know how to inject fun into interactions and aren’t afraid to laugh at themselves.

7. Authenticity

Popularity is built on trust, and trust comes from authenticity. People are naturally drawn to those who are genuine—who they see is who they get. Popular individuals don’t put on airs or pretend to be someone they’re not to impress others. They embrace their quirks, imperfections, and individuality, and that makes others feel safe to do the same. Authenticity fosters deep connections because it allows others to feel like they’re interacting with the real person, not a facade.

8. Being Inclusive

A common trait of popular people is their ability to make others feel included. Whether it’s inviting someone new to join a conversation or ensuring that no one is left out during group activities, they create an environment where everyone feels welcome. Inclusivity is a powerful social skill that not only builds strong connections but also creates a reputation of someone who cares about others. This behavior stands in stark contrast to cliques or exclusivity, which tend to alienate people.

9. Adaptability and Flexibility

Socially popular people know how to go with the flow. They are adaptable in different situations and can easily move between different social groups or settings. Whether they’re at a formal event or a casual hangout, they adjust their demeanor and behavior to fit the mood. Their flexibility helps them connect with a variety of people, making them socially versatile. This adaptability also means they don’t stress over small inconveniences, which makes them pleasant to be around.

10. Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions while also being sensitive to the emotions of others. Popular people are often high in EQ. They can read the room, pick up on social cues, and respond appropriately to different emotional situations. They know when someone needs support and when to give them space. Emotional intelligence helps them navigate complex social dynamics with grace, making others feel understood and respected.

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The Balance Between Popularity and Authenticity

While all of these traits can make someone more popular, it’s important to note that true popularity isn’t about people-pleasing or changing who you are to fit in. At its core, being popular in a meaningful way comes from being authentic, kind, and considerate. Popularity built on superficial traits or manipulation is fleeting and shallow. On the other hand, popularity based on genuine connections, empathy, and respect can lead to lasting relationships and a positive social reputation.

Ultimately, the people who are most popular are those who make others feel good—whether that’s by bringing positivity, humor, kindness, or simply by being their true selves. Popularity, in its best form, isn’t about being admired by everyone but about making a positive impact on those around you.

In a world where relationships and interactions play such a crucial role in our daily lives, many of us have developed habits to navigate social dynamics more easily. Two such habits are people-pleasing and conflict avoidance. While they can seem similar on the surface—both often stemming from a desire to maintain harmony and avoid discomfort—they are quite distinct in their motivations and outcomes. Let’s explore the difference between these two behaviors and how each can affect your personal growth and relationships.

What Is People Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a behavior pattern where an individual prioritizes the needs, desires, or expectations of others over their own. This tendency is driven by a deep desire for approval, validation, and acceptance. People pleasers often feel uncomfortable with the idea of disappointing others and, as a result, may go out of their way to accommodate someone else’s wishes—even if it means sacrificing their own well-being, time, or preferences.

Key characteristics of people-pleasing include:

• Saying “yes” to requests even when you don’t have the capacity or desire to help.
• Avoiding asserting your own opinions, needs, or boundaries.
• Seeking constant validation from others to feel good about yourself.
• Over-apologizing, even when situations don’t call for it.
• Feeling anxious or guilty if you believe you’ve let someone down, even slightly.

Motivation: At its core, people-pleasing is often rooted in low self-worth. People pleasers believe that their value comes from external sources—what others think of them. They may have a fear of being rejected or unloved if they don’t constantly meet the expectations of others.

What Is Conflict Avoidance?

Conflict avoidance, on the other hand, involves steering clear of disagreements, confrontations, or any form of tension. Those who are conflict avoidant may suppress their own needs, opinions, or emotions to keep the peace. However, unlike people pleasers, conflict avoidant individuals may not always seek approval from others. Instead, they are more focused on avoiding discomfort, stress, or the emotional toll that conflict can bring.

Key characteristics of conflict avoidance include:

• Avoiding discussions or situations that might lead to disagreement.
• Staying silent or withdrawing from conversations where confrontation seems imminent.
• Compromising or giving in to keep the peace, but without seeking the approval of others.
• Feeling stressed or anxious in the face of potential arguments or emotionally charged situations.
• Minimizing your own feelings to avoid making waves, but often feeling resentment later on.

Motivation: Conflict avoidance is often driven by fear of discomfort, anxiety, or the emotional intensity that comes with disagreements. It can also stem from past negative experiences with conflict, making it feel easier to avoid confrontation altogether than to risk escalation or emotional harm.

The Overlap and Distinctions

While both people-pleasing and conflict avoidance involve avoiding uncomfortable situations, the primary difference lies in the underlying motivations:

• People pleasers are motivated by a desire to gain approval or acceptance from others. Their actions are driven by an external need to be liked or validated.
• Conflict avoiders are more focused on their own emotional comfort. They avoid tension because it makes them uncomfortable, not necessarily because they’re seeking anyone else’s approval.

A people pleaser might say “yes” to a request to maintain their image as helpful or agreeable, while a conflict avoider might agree simply to avoid an argument, even if they aren’t invested in how others view them.

The Impact on Personal Growth and Relationships

Both people-pleasing and conflict avoidance can take a toll on personal well-being and relationships. Here’s how:

• People Pleasing: Over time, people pleasers may feel drained, taken advantage of, or lose sight of their own identity. Constantly bending to the will of others can create resentment and burnout. In relationships, people pleasers might struggle with boundaries, leading to unequal dynamics where they’re always giving but rarely receiving.

• Conflict Avoidance: Those who avoid conflict often bottle up their emotions, leading to unresolved issues, passive-aggressive behavior, or emotional distance in relationships. By avoiding confrontation, conflict avoiders miss opportunities for growth, constructive problem-solving, and deeper connections with others.

Finding a Balance

Both behaviors, when taken to extremes, can hinder personal and relational growth. It’s essential to strike a balance between maintaining harmony and asserting yourself when necessary. Developing healthy communication skills, setting boundaries, and learning to navigate conflict constructively can help you move away from both people-pleasing and conflict avoidance.

Tips for Growth:

• Practice self-awareness: Recognize your patterns. Are you saying “yes” to gain approval, or to avoid conflict? Understanding your motivations is the first step.
• Set clear boundaries: It’s okay to say “no” or to express your own needs. Start small and build confidence over time.
• Learn to embrace discomfort: Conflict can be uncomfortable, but it’s often necessary for healthy relationships. Approach it with an open mind, and view it as an opportunity for resolution rather than something to fear.
• Seek validation from within: Rather than relying on external approval, work on building your self-worth. Affirm your own needs, values, and emotions as valid and important.

Conclusion

While people-pleasing and conflict avoidance may seem similar, they come from different places and have distinct consequences. Understanding these differences is key to overcoming the challenges associated with each behavior. By practicing self-awareness, setting boundaries, and learning to navigate conflict in a healthy way, you can break free from these patterns and foster more authentic, balanced relationships.

Ultimately, it’s about finding the courage to stand up for yourself and recognizing that healthy relationships can withstand (and often benefit from) open, honest communication.

Children are wonderful creatures, full of wonder and joy, but let’s be honest: they aren’t exactly society’s role models when it comes to certain social behaviors. While there are many lessons we can (and should) learn from small children, there are also a few behaviors that we’ve thankfully outgrown (hopefully). So, in the spirit of humor and self-reflection, let’s explore some social skills we should absolutely unlearn from children.

1. Throwing a Tantrum When Things Don’t Go Your Way

There’s something spectacular about a toddler’s ability to throw themselves onto the ground in protest when denied an extra cookie. While this kind of behavior is (barely) acceptable in the under-five crowd, as adults, we’re expected to handle disappointment a bit more gracefully. Next time Starbucks runs out of pumpkin spice, resist the urge to fling yourself dramatically onto the floor. No one needs to see that. Save the internal tantrum for later when you’re alone with your feelings and Netflix.

2. Taking Everything Literally

Children haven’t quite mastered the art of nuance. Tell a child that it’s “raining cats and dogs,” and they might look at you with genuine concern for the welfare of those poor animals. As adults, we’ve learned that not everything should be taken at face value. Sarcasm, metaphors, and subtle cues help us navigate complex social situations. If we took everything literally, office meetings would be unbearable and every compliment might be met with confusion. “Wait, you really think I’m ‘killing it’? Should I be worried?”

3. Blurting Out Every Thought

Children have an unfiltered honesty that’s both refreshing and terrifying. They’ll tell you if they don’t like your cooking, if your haircut is “weird,” or if they just saw you pick your nose. As adults, we (mercifully) learn the art of discretion. There’s a time and a place to share your thoughts, and it’s not always “right now” or “out loud.” Holding back on that instinct to immediately share every random observation is what separates us from chaos—or, as it’s more commonly known, a kindergarten class.

4. Believing Everything Is Yours

Ever see a child in a toy store? In their minds, everything is theirs. They’ll grab toys, snacks, and basically anything within arm’s reach, under the assumption that the world exists solely for their enjoyment. As adults, we (usually) understand boundaries and the concept of ownership. Stealing someone’s stapler at work or taking your neighbor’s lawn mower is frowned upon in most civilized circles. Unlearning the toddler rule of “everything I see is mine” is essential for not becoming the office kleptomaniac.

5. Avoiding Eye Contact When Guilty

If you’ve ever asked a child, “Did you eat the last cookie?” and they immediately avoid eye contact, you’ve witnessed the world’s worst poker face. Children haven’t yet learned how to handle guilt or own up to mistakes. As adults, we learn (or should) that looking people in the eye, taking responsibility, and apologizing when necessary is key to maintaining relationships and your dignity. Plus, avoiding eye contact is a dead giveaway. If you’re going to steal the last donut at work, at least have the decency to own it.

6. Eating Like a Caveman

Children’s eating habits are, let’s say, creative. They will happily wear half of their meal on their face while casually using a fork like it’s an ancient mystery tool. As adults, we (mostly) refine our dining habits to avoid public embarrassment. Unlearning the urge to eat spaghetti with our hands is an important step toward being invited to dinner parties. And while food fights might seem fun in the cafeteria, it doesn’t fly so well in the office breakroom. Leave the caveman dining style to the actual cavemen.

7. Making Friends by Grabbing

Small children have a fascinating approach to making friends. They see a kid with a toy they like, so they just grab it. Instant friendship, right? In the adult world, this is generally known as “theft,” not “bonding.” We (hopefully) learn to form relationships through conversation, shared interests, and mutual respect, not by taking someone’s iPhone and declaring, “We’re besties now!” Unlearning the “grab-and-befriend” strategy is essential unless you want to make friends with the local police department.

8. Using Tears as Negotiation Tools

Children have a powerful weapon in their social arsenal: tears. If they want something, waterworks are a surefire way to get the attention they seek. As adults, crying every time we don’t get our way (say, during a salary negotiation) is not only ineffective, it’s awkward. Instead of resorting to tears, we learn the value of logic, persuasion, and good old-fashioned compromise. Plus, sobbing in the middle of a board meeting is generally considered a career-limiting move.

9. Demanding Instant Gratification

Patience is not a toddler’s strong suit. If they want a snack, they want it NOW. If you tell them they have to wait five minutes, it might as well be an eternity. In adulthood, mastering the art of patience is essential. Whether it’s waiting for a promotion, standing in line at the DMV, or waiting for your pizza delivery, we learn that not everything happens on demand. Unlearning the childlike impatience helps us avoid unnecessary stress and, more importantly, prevents us from becoming that person who yells at a barista because their coffee took an extra 30 seconds.

10. Random Acts of Chaos

Children, at their core, are tiny agents of chaos. They will suddenly run in circles, scream for no reason, or decide that climbing furniture is the best idea right now. As adults, we (sadly) must learn to contain these impulses. Random acts of chaos are best left to children (and maybe the occasional weekend hobby). While it might be fun to stand on your desk and proclaim yourself the ruler of the office, HR would probably disagree.

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In conclusion, while children may teach us many wonderful things, they also serve as a handy reminder of behaviors we’re better off unlearning. Navigating adulthood requires more subtlety, restraint, and, let’s face it, a lot fewer public tantrums. So, let’s give a nod to our inner child, but also be grateful that we’ve (mostly) moved past these delightful social missteps. After all, it’s what separates us from chaos—or, as it’s more commonly known, a toddler birthday party.