My previous post about navigating loss as an awkward engineer was too cold. Below is another attempt at how to be there.

It’s never easy when someone we know passes away. And sometimes, especially for us engineers, it can be tough to know how to act. We’re great at solving technical problems, but navigating grief doesn’t come with documentation or a stack trace. Here are some thoughts on how to be a good friend or colleague during these difficult times.

Just Be Present

Honestly, just showing up is half the battle. Your presence means a lot. Listen, offer a hug, or just sit quietly with them. Those gestures are powerful.

I remember when my coworker lost his dad. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing, but he later told me that just seeing me at the service meant more than anything I could have said. Think of it like being on-call support - sometimes you don’t need to actively fix anything, you just need to be available.

a stick figure rendering of two funeral goers hugging

Say Something Real

Don’t worry about having the perfect words. “I’m so sorry” or “I’m thinking of you” are great. If you have a good memory of the person, share it. People love hearing those stories.

One approach that works well: “I remember when Jamie helped me debug that impossible production issue. He stayed late just to teach me how to trace through the logs properly. That patience and kindness really stuck with me.”

Authentic memories, even small ones, mean so much more than generic statements.

Help Out

Think about what they might need. Food? Help with errands? Just ask, “What can I do to make things a little easier?”

Engineers are problem-solvers by nature. Channel that energy into practical support. Maybe offer to:

  • Set up a meal train
  • Handle some of their work tickets
  • Drive them to appointments
  • Help with paperwork or phone calls

Sometimes people won’t ask for help, so making specific offers works better than open-ended questions.

Keep Checking In

Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Call, text, or drop by in the weeks and months after. They’ll appreciate you remembering.

Most support happens immediately after a death, but then people return to their normal routines. Set calendar reminders for 2 weeks, 1 month, and 3 months after to check in. These later touchpoints often mean the most because they come when the person is feeling most alone.

Things to Skip

Skip the clichés. “They’re in a better place” or “You’ll get over it” or “Everything happens for a reason”—those don’t help. Just listen, be there, and be real.

Also avoid comparing grief experiences or trying to find silver linings. Grief isn’t a bug to be fixed—it’s a necessary process.

It’s Okay to Feel Awkward

It’s normal to feel a little awkward. Just be yourself, be kind, and be sincere. That’s what matters.

I used to worry about saying the exact right thing until a friend who’d lost her mother told me, “I don’t remember what anyone said at the funeral. I just remember who showed up.”

About Funerals Specifically

A few practical tips for the service itself:

  • Dress respectfully. Dark, conservative clothing is usually appropriate, but some families request more celebratory attire. When in doubt, ask.
  • Arrive a bit early and sign the guestbook if there is one.
  • Put your phone on silent (not just vibrate) and keep it away.
  • Follow the lead of others regarding standing, sitting, or participating in any rituals.
  • If there’s a reception afterward, try to attend even briefly.

A Final Thought

Supporting someone through grief is less about having the right toolkit and more about showing up with an open heart. We engineers like to fix things, but grief isn’t something to be fixed—it’s something to be witnessed and shared.

Sometimes the most valuable contribution is simply being there, even when it feels uncomfortable or when you don’t know what to say. Your presence is the most meaningful pull request you can offer.